Malia

hello lj friends! i can't sleep so i just wrote a lj entry of a bunch of crazy thoughts i have at 6:30am and then erased it because it was really lame and now i'm posting this instead so that my logging in to lj for the first time in months doesn't entirely go to waste. 

i hope all my readers are doing wonderfully and you should all leave me comments because i miss you!

 firstly... I LOVE SARAH RISH, BALLS OR NO BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

now...

apparently i take things for granted. i think that i don't want them or even just that things would be fine either way, but then when i lose them i feel like shit and i want them back. i don't know why because when i had them it was like i didn't really care all that much and there were even times when i was like "this is a fucking mess, i don't want this" but now thing's go back to normal (although they're far from normal because now everything else is fucked up.) and i'm like... totally lost. the majority of my mind thinks that this whole little sequence of events since i got back to school was timed perfectly and its good that it's over and it's great and perfect that it happened and i would have gone COMPLETELY NUTS if it hadn't, and i know that's true. but.. like i always do anymore.. i try to figure out what would be different if it hadn't happened. would things be less of a mess or more of a mess, or equal of a mess, and which would i rather? and now what? that's the big question. how do i find the road again after such a weird detour. my life is SO weird and SO fucked up. and i blame myself because when i think about where i went wrong, it all traces back to that week and a half in the summer. and the lesson i've learned is... often times, it's best to have no morals, because at least then you'll have no regrets.  (yes that probably makes no sense to you unless you're one of like... 4 people... just trust me, it makes sense to me in the context... it's not as horrible as you might think)

and now i get to shut off all my thoughts because i have to study for this shitty test. and then i get to figure out what minor i'm going to add. and then i get to do this huge project. and then i get to choreograph this dance even though i have no ideas. and somehow in there i need to figure out how the fuck to get to philadelphia for my "school visitation" even though it doesn't even fucking matter because my once-existent morals built a wall between what i wanted and what i've got and/or have a chance at which is virtually nothing. what's left of my life? honestly... ::sigh::

i'm astounded at how much i've changed and learned and learned about myself in the past month. wow. ok... turning my thoughts off now. goodbye.

oh fun times at college... fun, ironic, monumental times... haha

irony is my one true love. i seriously may name one of my children "Irony" because i love it so much.


for once in my life i'm taking things as they come with no thought put into anything, and it's weird, and i haven't decided if i really like it yet, but i like it for now, because it's serving its purpose for now which is hopefully a good thing but i don't know. i can now say i'm impulsive. and i have no idea what the future holds. i'm living in the present. it's pretty cool. i'm happy again. yeah actually i love it. it's exciting. :-D

::crosses fingers::

• i like how i feel right now. i feel like all the clutter that was in my mind for the past year is gone. i feel like i can see things clearly as they happen. i feel on top of everything. it's amazing how a good conversation can make you feel amazing and can make you so contemplative.
• there are so many parallels i'm noticing now in my life as a whole.. like.. i see the same things that i saw in high school. the same relationships but with different people. only now they're more normal. and not really bizarre. and i feel like everything happens for a reason. and i'm trusting my life to take me down the right path. i feel like i figured out the trick to how to live life the right way.
• i feel like i'm not involved enough here. i want to be an overachiever again.
• i'm extremely curious about all the reasons my life had for everything. and i want to know what would have been different if i had gotten and experienced the things i had wanted in the past.
• i'm also curious about all the reasons life has for handing things on a silver platter to undeserving people.
• i also feel like shit because i hate how much i can't stand certain people and certain things, and i don't want to because it makes me want to vomit, but i trust that that's just part of the path of my life and i savor the pain because it has meaning.
• i want good things to happen soon and i'm anxious to get to that point in my life. how much longer will it be? i hope i find out soon.
• i feel like i've grown into a totally different person after all that's happened over the course of this past year.. exactly a year.. wow.. i didn't even plan that on purpose this time. it's amazing how much of an impact a single person can have on a life. and also what a wide variety of impacts there are. i feel so.. impacted.. and it's good because i like who i am. and when i think of all the people i've majorly impacted, it scares me, because they were such amazing people and well.. i despise at least one of them now. and now that i've been typing out all my thoughts as they come and i feel horrible about myself after typing that one.. i'm gonna go to bed.

hello again to my dear old friend, livejournal. i am lost without you. i miss writing. i've neglected you for months and feel completely lost. therefore, in order to find myself again and regain my identity, i have decided to start updating again. that way you won't miss out on hearing about my entire summer escapades and things that you probably wouldn't care about anyway... like... 

random graduation parties and my reunion with wilfredo the monkey
youtube <3
dreams about anal sex pornos on youtube (thanks, kevin)
battling insomnia for about a month
(unofficial) easy access day, emo day, (official) easy access day, emo day #2, and emo day #2.5/nervous breakdown day
reillyville! <3
the mysterious condom that appeared in my wallet with my insurance card (thanks, jess) 
awesome random girls named constance who try to boost my sex life/ruin my relationships and are just... really awesome <3
getting sniffed for nonexistant weed by police dogs at sem
sitting in the children's section of barnes and noble and talking about extremely sexual things
sitting on top of the park and lock in wilkesbarre and making 3 guys play guitar for us 
the discovery that the contra bass clarinet is the coolest instrument ever
triangle cake! <3
"girls night in" with matt herman (who now has a facebook!) <3
killer dragqueens on dope! (best movie ever!) <3
underage boys from florida trying to get in my pants  
underage boys from florida wearing my pants and giving me theirs
seeing sarah's bra 3 times in 1 week 
chatting with james about asians and the book i'm writing called "asians are..." 
harrassing all the wrong numbers that call sarah's phone 
meeting bob reynolds awkwardly 
being the biggest stalker on the face of the earth (not to mention being really good at it)
getting lost in plains for an hour
walmart... always a good time <3 
cybersex
teleporters 
drunk guys singing church hymns in eddie's 
and finally... feeling like vomit because i go back to college tomorrow... VOMIT

... oh livejournal, you are my therapist and i will never abandon you again... (or at least until i find my personality again)

i would just like to announce to everyone that wikipedia is officially the most wonderful thing in the universe. 
i owe my life to it. 
i would be incapable of functioning as a human being without it. 
thank you, wikipedia; you are truly incomparable. 
no words can express my love for you. 
::tear::

hello all. i haven't done this in a while. sorry. 

anyway... the point of my update is... i'm auditioning to be a choreographer for west chester's contemporary dance company; however, i have no idea what i want to choreograph... so if any of you have any ideas of what music i should choreograph something to and/or what my dance should be about... leave me a comment. i'm open to absoultely anything... except like... andrew lloyd webber... and i can't use rap/hiphop and i'd rather not use country music. actually, it doesn't even necessarily have to be set to music; if anyone knows an amazing monologue or a poem or a piece of prose or anything that i can record and write a dance to, that works too. thanks in advance. :-)

(i bet no one will even read this)

BARACK OBAMA HAS A DAUGHTER NAMED MALIA!!! how amazing is that?!

yesterday/today was awesome. i wish my whole break was like this. unfortunately, ::tear::, i have to leave for west chester at 10am. i am terrified of this semester. like... TERRIFIED. you have no idea what this is like for me. omg. i am more terrified for this semester than i was for my first semester... and that says a lot. i kind of want to just curl up in some dark secluded place and not come out til like... june. i feel like vomitting everywhere. too bad vomitting everywhere wouldn't solve everything, or else i would.

it finally snowed! omg! not significantly but still... it snowed... a little! yay!

winter:1
global warming: 2189292293092

somewhat random thought: i really hope fate exists cuz if it doesn't, i'm probably better off killing myself now before i fuck up my life with wrong decisions...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYBODY! <3

I CAN'T SLEEP! :-(

this is not cool... and slightly weird...

god I'M PATHETIC!

i've been home for less than a day and i'm already sick of being here... yet i don't wanna go back to college cuz i was sick of being there too... i want spring... and if that's not any better, which it probably won't be... i want PAI... i hate anxiety.

as weird as it may be... i actually miss high school right now

i wish i was born like... 75 years ago... maybe then life wouldn't be so retarded...

i am so sore that i'm really surprised i'm able to think about other things besides how sore i am...

i am SO indecisive

I HATE PEOPLE WHO PUT ME UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE... DAMMIT

i apparently would go totally out of my way and make myself unhappy just in order to avoid doing something slightly difficult...

... that's REALLY BAD...

i am extremely difficult

veronica is right too often

i wish i wasn't a bio major

i wish i had talent so i could be some type of arts major

i wish i had morals like average people do

i wish i didn't think like a bio major

... oh well... life sucks ass... what else is new

ok... so far this is what i've come up with...

people perceive me as someone who is arrogant, overconfident, overdramatic, burdens others with her emotions, is annoying and pushy, leads people on, and i also have a superiority complex...

does that seem about right? i'm just getting started... does anybody wanna add to what i've gotten so far? i'd really appreciate some help with this... i really dont like being hated... if you think i'm a horrible person and i'm asking for your help to correct this problem, i don't understand why you wouldn't wanna help...

i don't update often anymore, but right now, i feel like i should, not to be dramatic or something, but to say things that i don't have the chance to say anywhere else but lj. and i'm also kind of using this as a contract for myself so that i have it in writing.

i have just been informed that a vast majority of the people i've been calling my friends for the past few years secretly hate me. i have also been informed that i am a horrible person. basically, i am that person that comes back to visit and gets everyone to react with "UGHH GREAT... WHY IS SHE HERE??? NO ONE LIKES HER... UGH..." i've always thought i was. now i know for sure.

to all those who agree with these statements, (except myself... since i do agree with them to an extent) i ask, why are you pretending to be something you're not? why pretend to be someone's friend if you secretly loathe them, not just with me, but with anyone

and to the courageous person who was finally brutally honest with me, although this is probably not what you expect me to say, i say thank you. i am very glad you said those extremely harsh things and finally made me pause to think about it.

i'm sure i'll be thinking about it and analyzing myself a lot more now. instead of using my time to prepare for an audition or to work out and lose the 5 pounds i've gained in the past month, i'm going to use my free time evaluating myself and my personality. i'm going to figure out why exactly people hate me and what exactly makes me a horrible person. i'm going to find all the things i don't like about myself and eliminate them from my personality. i'm going to find qualities that i do like and bring them out more. i'm going to shape myself into the exact person i want myself to be, instead of this naturally horrible person.

the way i see it, i don't want to be a horrible person, but i don't realize i am because i haven't stopped to analyze it yet, and after i do, i can work to fix that. yes, i am fucked up enough to devote all of my free time to this. it is that important to me. and maybe i'll just end up digging myself farther and farther into the pit of being a horrible person. maybe i have lost all sight of what it means to be a good person. who knows? i'll soon find out. i am either on the road to self discovery or suicide, and either way, it should work out good for everyone cuz you'll either get a new and improved me, or i'll decide that i can't be a good person no matter how hard i try, and then i'll more than likely try to kill myself, probably by starvation cuz i'm predicting i'll have a mild eating disorder by the end of the school year anyway.

and the moral of the story is: a true friend is someone who is truthful, not someone who is a "friend."

so, since this seems like a good place for me to begin: what do you loathe about me? what do you think makes me a bad person? and what would you change about me if given the opportunity? please don't keep pretending. the cat's out of the bag. please help me and answer the questions, and then i'll try not to ever bother you again. honesty can go a long way.

not only did i just go into shock, but i am also officially convinced that i'm psychic. HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that was a really random update. i promise i'll make a real update soon. soon as in before i come home on friday.

really quick poll... 

my goal for this semester is to get the word "sex" into every one of my papers for effective writing... i just worked it into my memoir... i have 3 more papers this semester...

do you think i can do it?

i need to be careful what i wish for because even though my luck is usually horrible... recently it's been oddly great... and actually getting what i wished for is making this a lot more stressful than it was before... 

what the hell?.. is this actually happening?.. is it actually gonna work out?.. i don't understand why i'm suddenly like... in a perfect situation... well... almost perfect... but... wtf?.. um... VGNGVIDOFHNVFIGNDS!?

wow.